WHY?!

I try and try and try. I keep setting myself up for failure like some sick masochist. And what do I get out of it? Out of bearing my soul to every boy I happen to like romantically? Nothing but heartbreak and tears. What is so fundamentally wrong with me that I'm 17 years old and have yet to be in a relationship? Let alone get kissed...God. What is wrong with me? I'm so done with this. No one is worth this. I keep getting hurt. No matter how cautious I am. I was overyl careful this time, hesitant to the point of insanity. And yet once again I'm crying over a stupid rejection from a stupid boy. The only difference this time is that I kind of blame the boy this time, instead of taking all the blame myself. I've considered terminating our friendship. But I can't do that. It would be juvenile. I know that I'm a talented enough actor that I can make everyone beleive nothing happened, that we're the same as we always were. But I know inside the knife just plunges in deeper. I hate this. I really do.

Christmas...

So I was unpacking and assembling our diminutive Christmas tree, when it hit me.

I'm sad every year on Christmas. But it's worse this year. This is the year I've been most in touch with the fact that my beloved Dad is dead. And will be for the rest of my life.

As I wrap the tree in lights (start at the bottom, white ones only, jsut like Dadddy) I try to keep the feelings at bay. This has to be done, adn I'm too much of a perfectionist to let anyone else set the tree up (just like Dad). I hold it together through the fake pinecones (Mom's addition, Dad might have approved).

But when it comes to the box of ornaments, I have to stop. There are three different kinds of ornaments in that box. There are the ones that are left from when we were a whole family, there are the ones from Christmas after the divorce, and there are the new ones. I can't decide what's worse; the new ones, painfully empty of memories, or the old ones, painfully full.

What it comes down to is this; keep Christmas the way it used to be and feel the pain renewed each year, or start soemthing new and deal with numbness...a lack of memories...

I don't know...

"Clouds I can deal with. But I can't fight an eclipse."

Yeah, I finally finished Eclipse again. :( Guess what? It ended the same crappy way. I hate that Jake gets so hurt. Ack. I won't say anything else.

I saw the Golden Compass yesterday and it was amazing!!! They kind of cut adn pasted with some of the actions adn a few details were fuzzy, but it was better than Eragon that's for damn sure.

Hope it snows...

Okay...

So I realized that in...all...of my earlier posts, I sound just a wee teensy bit emo. Haha, I'ma actually a fairly happy person, I jsut get fed up sometimes. Unfortunately, that's usually when I write. Anger and sadness engender passion, and passion creates the best writing...for me at least. I'm not generally so melancholy. That's actually my second least favorite word. My last is bosom. Meaning aside, what a stupid word. I mean really, do you say boosom, or bohsom? It doesn't roll off the tongue. Since I do a lot of Shakespeare, I tend to come across the word a lot and it really bugs me. NO! No emo-ness. Ok. I love the word "mercurial". Or "Opulence"...and "emerald" just a few of my favorites.

Aside from words, I love books. Currently, I'm in love with Twilight, New Moon, and Eclipse by Stephenie Meyer. Seriously, they rock. Read them. I'm re-reading Eclips right now and I can't stop. I've figured out that I love Jake msot because none of the vampire characters have any dimensions. Ok, enough of my rantings. Read Twilight.

What else? Hmm...I like to cook...I live to act...Yeah, that's me. Oh and I love to travel more than anything.

Tonight

Up late.
Not really sure why.
It happens sometimes, y'know?
Just don't feel like sleeping for whatever reason. I toyed with making this a poem, but it obviously didn't fly.

I guess I'm too wired from the day to sleep. I had an amazing time at the HAnukkah party. Ilove my friends. They are such a unique group of people. How many teens out there would, first of all, be interested in learning about a different holiday, and two, woudl sit around and listen to the Hanukkah story. I thought it was awesome that Zach (from school, not Shakespeare camp) and I could co-tell the story. It was a fun day.

Then was the play, which went better than last night. There were fewer pregnant pauses, and the set changes were faster. Adn we had a curtain call...well, a butchery of the concept, but I suppose you coulsd still call it thus. So I was wiped out from that, adn thinking I'd come home and sleep...then I remembered the hoop dress. So I washed off my makeup and wrestled with the hoop for a few minutes before transforming myself to an elegantly clad Southern bell from teh Civil War era. It's a beautiful dress. I can't wait for the ball!!!

So after the dress, I listened to disk 3 of the Golden Compass (I don't think audio books are lame. I love being read to!! And I love the British cast that does Pullman's books) which was very good.

Most recently I ate a bowl of Caesar salad, watched the rest of Sky High on Disney, andnow I can't convince myself to sleep. Maybe I'll try to read some of that Bartimaeus book...I do have to give it back to Mark at some point...

Hanukkah

"Hanukkah oh Hanukkah
Come light the menorah
Let's have a party
We'll all dance the hora
Gather 'round the table
I'll give you a treat
Dreidels to play with
And latkes to eat

And while we
Are playing
The candles are burning low
One for each night
They shed a sweet light
To remind us of days lon ago

To remind us of days long ago."

Happy 5th night of Hanukkah. See you at my house for a party!!!

The Ringing in my Ear

"So scared to love
So scared to take a fall
Afraid of god and sex
Why do I wake up at all?
Today I'd like to stay at home
Hide myself from all the world
Yeah
It's hard to see but yet it's in your eyes
I'm just an empty shell
Holding on for dear life, yeah
You got one over
You really won me over

It started raining down from puddles above
It's too much information
Still I can't get enough
But then once in awhile
I take a break from the weight of
The world
Go walking for miles
Just to see you again.

The night is gone the sun is on the rise
I step out from underneath
Love is pain and truth is lies
You got one over
You really won me over

It started rainging down from puddles above
It's too much information
Still I can't get enough

I understand it still that don't make it clear
Am I the only one around who can hear?

But then once in awhile,
I take a break from the weight of
The world
Go walking for miles
Just to see you again.

I walk for miles
To see things clearly

Afraid of god and sex...
Why do I wake up at all?"

~Adam Pascal

I've listened to that song a lot lately. Not sure why. It's a little ambiguous, but it's a good song. I love Adam's lyrics. They really speak. Lyrics are sooo important to me when I hear a song. Since Ilove to sing along, I dont't want to be yelling stupid stuff at the top of my lungs when I'm pissed off. Yeah...I love soem good, storytelling lyrics...

Restless...

"Heal me, I'm heartsick
But I can survive on you..."
~Adam Pascal (whose Model Prisoner CD I just ordered)

Lately I've had so much restless energy...I don't know what to do. There are practical things, of course; learn my lines, study for a test (gulp), play guitar, write a book, homework...yet none of those things appeal. I end up just wathcing TV, my foot jiggling, full of energy. I never have this much energy. Maybe I'll run a mile...yeah, and then fall over dead. I've always wished I could just...run. But I have no endureance. MAybe I can build some up...I've got all this energy.

But I don't feel like running, necessarily, or being practical (I rarely feel like the latter). No, I want to get dressed up, go on a date, dance all night...something... Contra was fun, but I was forced to dance with old men because no one was there my age who was male. Well, one cute guy...but he was "attached" and older than me anyway.

I want to do something daring, something that puts me out of my comfort zone. Like...sing onstage...or flirt with a guy. Things I never do, but think of occasionally. I throw myself into acting, because it's the only time during the week I can express myself. It's not enough though. Agh! i'm just complaining! There's no other explanation! I need to be DOING something!!!!

Maybe I'll take up bingo...hmm....fitting. For one who spends Saturday night watching Disney channel. Or dancing with old men. Grrr....

A list of things to do with myself:
1. Get a job
2. Bake cookies
3. Practicalities

hmmm....4. Run

"You're a model prisoner.."
~ the only lyric from Adam's Model Prisoner album I know that keeps repeating in my head.

Sunday...

"Sunday
In the blue, silver chromuim diner
At the soft, green cylindrical stools,
Sit the fools
Who should eat at home
Instead they pay on Sundays
For a cool orange juice or a bagel
On the soft, green cylindrical stools
Sit the fools..."
~ tick, tick...BOOM; a musical by Jonathan Larson

So, I've never really liked Sundays. I've always invariably left my homework until the last minute, so I'm stressed, rushed, and not at all looking forward to the next day. One thing I am looking forward to...two things actually. Hanukkah (easily my favorite holiday) and the Jungle Book's opening night. I'm curious to see if we can pull a pplay together in...three weeks. Less, actually. We kind of knwo our lines, have a few set peices, adn minimal costuamge. It'll be interesting...

I use ellipses a lot, don't I? Haha, I like them. They express...something. Thought process maybe. I also am prone to fragmented sentances. Emphasis. Whatever.

"I just came to say
Goodbye love
Goodbye love
Came to say,
Goodbye love
Goodbye
Just came to say,
Goodbye love
Goodbye looooooooooove
Goodbye love..."

Contra tonight!

Call me if you need details, or just show up!!! I'm psyched!!!!

"Today was gonna be the day where they're gonna throw it back to you..."

Gotta love Wonderwall.

So there's a new kid in my bio class. He went to a school on a military base in Korea. An American, he hated it. HAted being surrounded by a different culture. I don't get that. I loved Viet Nam. I was stared at by people. I was strange...different! That was amazing! I've never been so obviously physically different. What an experience. But I could see how people could hate it. I guess I did, at first. Then I grew to love it.

So that's been on my mind for two days. He came to my class yesterday. I tried to strike a conversation, but the only thing we had in common sort of was something he hated. Not a great way to start a friendship. So I've let it drop. There's another kid in the class who's traveled and hated it. Let them be friends. I wash my hands of him.

Moving on. I'm sounding too much like Holden Caulfield for ym tastes. Though I personally don't have a problem with Holden, I'm told many people do. Has anyone read "The WAtcher"? There was a kid in the book whose sole purpose in life was detesting Holden Caulfield. Literally, he would sit around all day doing nothing but that. I'm halfway through "The CAtcher in the Rye". I've had to stop because my English teacher insists we read 50 pages of Uncle Tom everynight. I don't mind that book, but it's hard to read. I'd like it more if we had less to do each night. The reading is slow going. I like a challenge, but enough is enough.

Well, must go to homework.

"Parting is such sweet sorrow, that I shall goodnight 'til it be morrow."

I'm partial to that quote. Despite it's cheesiniess and overflow of pansies, Romeo and Juliet is a great play.

Some Information

Tomorrow and the Sun, first of all, is an Adam Pascal song that I bet no one has heard of. If by any chance you were searching the song and came across this blog, well, hello fellow Adam fan.

So, my last blog (La Vie Boheme, for you noobs) was...well...I don't know. That was my 'Ooh, I'm sooo happy I'm living my dream, does it get any better than this?' blog. Yeah, my Vietnamese adventures were probably the highlight of my life so far...

This blog will be different. I'm not so happy anymore. In fact, I'm a bit panicked. I'd like to say that the last blog was more about getting attention, but I guess this one is too. It's different though. I want to know if there are people other than me who are freaking out about the rest of their lives. That's a phrase that's been on my mind a lot lately. "The rest of my life"...And I want to know if there are people like me who are starting to really and truly hate the culture-less holler in which they were born, yet they're scared as hell about what else might be out there.

I'm being a bit unfair about the culture-less bit. My friends, the people I choose to surround myself by, are aware that there is a world beyond our small town. They want to see it, to learn about it. As different as we are, that's teh one thing my friends and I have in common. We have some sense of the world beyond US boundaries.

So, that's kind of what this will be about. Whereas La Vie Boheme was me a bit younger, this is me a bit older...new joys, new worries, new ticks. And no worries...no presure to read. I just have to talk...to write. I've always been a better writer than talker.

Well, it's too late at night and I still have to read Uncle Tom's Cabin for class tomorrow...good night.

"Goodnight, goodnight
Sleep well,
And when you dream,
Dream of me...
Goodnight."