Hellloooooo

Yeah, I don't really have anything to say...hmm...I'm not as freaked aobut my grades as I should be. Good or bad? I seem to be happier than a lot of my friends, but what if they all get into great colleges and I don't? My grades aren't bad...I won't be stuck at WVU. I'd cry. Then run away to...anywhere not here. I love academic team...and theatre...and Mark...nothing new here.

Endings, Beginnings, Decisions, and so much more

I'm in such a bad mood. I feel so depressed. Why? Oh, a multitude of reasons but I don't want to whine. Okay, yes I do. No pressure to read this. Seriously, I'm going to be horrible and I don't want people to know. So why am I doing this? I don't know.

I spent the day yesterday two different ways. For a few hours, I was with people who don't care what others think. We played board games and just joked around. Tried to write a song, but it failed. Lizz said Mark didn't take his eyes off me. Well so what. Mom said that there's pretty much no hope for that because we all act so much like middle schoolers that romance isn't likely to happen for awhile. Well great. I've always thought it was great that my friends were more at ease playing board games than having sex behind a football field. I've always thought of us as mature. I guess we are...in some ways. I hate being called a middle schooler, true as it might be. I desperately want something to happen wiht Mark because, against my better judgement, I've managed to fall in love with him. Fabulous. I really can pick them.

So, after all my friends left, Saige called and said she was having a movie hang out night and wanted me to come. I shoudl have known better. Really I should have. I haven't spent time with Saige and her other friends recently, but the last movie night I went to was along the same lines. Druggy movies. I don't know if these poeple honestly like these movies, or if they just pretend. I don't know what would be worse. I noticed that at Saige's, I just sat in the corner and didn't talk. I was talking to my Mom about this later, and she said that maybe Saige's group wasn't for me. But I really do love SAige. We were best friends last year. Then Aileen moved here, and I left for Viet Nam. And when I came back, Larkin moved back as well. And then I lost Saige. But...I still really like her. I noticed that even last night. We have so much in common. We could be such grat friends and it hurts that she would just drop me. We never hang out anymore. I miss her so much. But then when we do get to hang out, I don't have as much fun as I do with others. I don't know what to do. I guess Saige and I will just have to be friends from afar. But I really do miss her...

And to top it all off, RENT comes off Broadway June 1. That was one of the constants. Food in the kitchen, Earth rotating, and RENT at the Nederlander on Broadway. RENT has changed my life. No day but today. That little phrase has helped me do so many things I would normally have been scared to do. I know a lot of people don't get RENT the way I do, but it's so special to me. It's such a beautifully simple message.

Not to bring Mark into this any more than he is, but this line from one of his songs keeps running through my head;
"Stars will die and the universe will end
But have no fear it's in endings we begin"

I feel a lot of endings coming closer and closer. And I don't like it. I jsut have to look out for the beginnings I guess.

Later...

Right.

You know how some things just feel completely and utterly...right? Like a guitar feel right across my lap, and my feet feel right on the stage? Like, you take a deep breath, and exhale, and smile because this is the way it should be?

Well, last night was like that. Nick, Caroline, Mark and I just sitting around talking. Something so random and all the more beautiful for its randomness. If we'd tried to plan that, it would have been too late at night, or someone would have had plans, or...anything. But everything fell into place perfectly. So right. I was so comfortable, relaxed, happy...right. I don't sing in front of people. Ever. I"m embarassed of my voice, afraid to sound awful. But with these people I hold so close to my heart, I am unafraid to let my voice be heard. When the guitars came out, I was apprehensive at first. Then we started playing, writing, singing...and it was wonderful. When Mark said that, for the first time in a week he felt really relaxed, I inwardly marveled. I realized it was true for me and possibly for the others. We have so much stress in our lives. Yet, the power of being together with a task as random as creating a song was enough to bring us all peace of mind for awhile. I feel so lucky to be surrounded by people who make me feel so safe and calm. I am so honored to be the friend of such amazing people. You guys make school and life in general worth it :) Thanks. I love you all.

"You just don't realize how desirable you are."

Good GOD. My sanity is in terrible danger.

And You Say that the Battle is Over

This song, refreshingly, is not by Adam Pascal. In fact, it was written (words and music) by John Denver, a favorite artist of my mom's.

"And you say that the battle is over
Finally the war is all done
Go tell it to those with the wond in their nose
Who run from the sound of the gun
And write it on the sides of the great whaling ships,
Or on ice flows where conscience is tossed, with the wild in their eyes
It is they who must die, and it's we who must measure the loss

And you say that the battle is over
Finally the world is at peace
You mean no one is dying and mothers don't weep
Or it's not in the papers at least
There are those who would live on the dark side of life
There are those who would tear down the sun, though most men are ruthless,
Some will still weep, when the gifts we were given are gone

Now blame can not fall on the heads of a few
It's become such a part of the race
It's eternally tragic, that which is magic,
Be killed at the end of the glorious chase
From young seals to great whales from water to wood
They will fall just like weeds in the wind, with fur coats and perfumes
And trophies on walls, what a hell of a race to call men

And you say that the battle is over
Finally the war is all done
Go tell it to those with the wond in their nose
Who run from the sound of the gun
And write it on the sides of the grea whaling ships
Or on ice flows where conscience is tossed, with the wild in their eyes
It is they who must die, and it's we who must measure the loss

With the wild in their eyes, it is they who must die
And it's we who will measure the loss."

The chord progression for that song is easy. I love playing it and singing it. The lyrics are great. :)