Legacy

"Time is a wheel in constant motion always
Rolling us along
Tell me who,
Wants to look back on their years and wonder
Where those years have gone..."
~I Hope You Dance

"Yes everyone. The walrus DOES want to cuddle!"
~Bryant

Oh my god, I love thespians. Every last one of them. The banquet last night was absolutely heartbreaking because I have so many friends there that are leaving. I'll try to list them all, but I'll invariably forget soemone and feel bad...so I'll come back and list them later. here goes.

Gomes
Sofi
Brendan
Whitney
Tina
Allie
Susie
David
DG
Amy
Herb
Andrew
Bryant
Eliza
Lemur
...

I think that's it. But I'm sur eI forgot soemone....no matter. I'll get them later.

The point is, many of my friends are scattering. When Gomes (current troupe president) was handing over the new officer positions last night, I was lamost in tears. Yes, the Gomes administrationwas not known for its brilliance, but they were all my friends, and I don't want to replace them. It's an honor being named Vice President, but I don't want to take over Sofian's position. Mainly because I don't want him to leave. So many memories were created this year. I don't want to lose them. I"m afraid that if teh people disappear, so will the memories. I don't think they will for awhile, but eventually. Out of sight out of mind. And I've found that the harder you try to hold onto something, the more easily it slps through your fingers.

Sofian is six days older than me. The fact that he's graduating makes it that much more apparent that my graduation is just around the corner. I'm not ready for that. I'm glad I have another year, but what's a year of theatre without...well... everyone? I'm so glad Lizz is a junior too. I don't know what theatre would be without her.

But she and I will have so much fun being president and vice next year. I was so close to crying when Gomes came up to me at the end of the night, put his hands on my shoulders, and told me that I had to keep up the honor of the Gomes/Sofi reign. I don't want to replace my friends, but it's time to do just that. I've inherited a legacy. Now I have to care for it and keep the memories close to my heart. I won't forget them. Not anyone.

(Granted, I am being a bit overdramatic. But hey, I'm an actor. It's what I do.)

Transformation

"Theatre, it's not what you do, it's who you are."

That was the theme of this year's State Thespian Competition.

It's also very true.

Theatre has taken me, who was once so quiet, and helped me to speak my mind. It has given me an amazing and loyal group of friends. There's something about that one moment when you're up onstage and you forget your lines, or there's that one missing prop, and you and your scene partner are gripped by a surge of terrified adrenaline to keep the show moving and pray no one noticed your blunder...that moment makes you friends. Lets you know you can count on each other.

There wasn't a miraculous one day change from quiet Hillary to loud, but when I started theatre this year I was still a little afraid of G. I treated him with the respect I would give a teacher, and I did everything he said to do exactly when he told us to do it.

Now, I joke with him as I would with my friends. He is as easy to deal with as they are. I'm no longer silent and obedient. I have a voice and I use it.

I love theatre. I love who it has made me, and the friends it has earned me.

So...

I don't want to go back to school. There are some things I'm not ready to face. I enjoy being a confidant of people who trust me, but sometimes I learn things I don't want to know that might end up hurting people I love. And I don't know what to do.

This week promises to be hectic if nothing else. Between rehearsing for Grease and Mary and staying after for History lectures, I'll be lucky to get any time to think or breathe. Much less sleep. Yet, here some another week. Time continues to roll on whether or not I am ready for it. In just two months, I will be finished with my junior year of high school. A senior. Wow. I'm not ready.

Am I ever?

The only consolation is that Rent will not be leaving the Broadway stage so soon. No, that beautiful piece of art has been given a reprieve. Not to leave on June 1, now it will grace the Nederlander theatre until September 7. I have to see that show. One more time. Have to say goodbye to my dreams of playing Mimi on that stage. Well, all the world's a stage.

"And maybe all the world's a stage
Or a book so we can turn the page
And savor every word that we can read"

Rain, Rain

"Walking down the streets of nowhere with my problems in my hand
[something something] I don't understand
Then I get a funny feeling like somebody's watching me
Look across the street who do I see?
I have a hard time looking away
'Cause her eyes seem to say

Rain, rain go away
Come again another day
Clouds are gone and you know why
Rainbows in the sky
Rain, rain come again
Let me tell you this my friend
Don't let showers pass you by,
Rainbows in the sky..."

There's more, but I really like that first verse. The song's by Mark, and it's my favorite of his. Just attepmting to share. And failing because I know less of the words than I thought and I can't just look him up online. :)

"What does it take, to wake up a generation?"

I just watched Across the Universe. Wow. Awesome movie. But it made me think. How come there was so much radical movement in the '60s to end war and help people? Why was changing the world for the better so much more advertised then? So few people today care about anything more than themselves. People are egocentric and much have everything! Stuff stuff stuff stuff stuff! Always more stuff! Who are you as a person? Who cares? I have STUFF.

But even if some people do care, what can be done? I want to stand up soemwhere and scream so that everyone can hear me, "I CARE!!!!!" But what can I do about it? How can one person, or even a few people, change the mindset of a nation? A world, even? How can we make people think aobut something other than themselves? My high school has made me so cynical. When we did Speak Truth to Power, I was so excited. I'm changing the world. That's what I thought. But then, only the people who were already aware, who already cared, came and listened. You tell people at Jefferson that there are children starving to death all over the world. They laugh. Tell them next that there is genocide is Darfur. You get laughter and maybe a "Where the fuck is Darfur and what the fuck is genocide?" South America is aobut to break out in war as we speak. No one knows. And if they do, they don't knwo what they can do about it. I'm afraid to try to change anything. What if my effort came to nothing? What if I couldn't make people think? What if no one really cares that the world is going to hell all around us?

People focus so muhc attention on the actions of popstars and movie actors. Well, if those people set examples worth following, we;d be set. Why can't everyone be like Angelina Jolie(if I even spelled that right?)?? She adopts kids and tries to do posotive things for the world. That's a star to look at. How can we encourage others to be similar?

I'm so frustrated. I don't want to be seen as uncaring. Hell, I'm up at midnight furiously typing about the state of the world. I DO CARE!!! So much. I don't want to be responsible for the demise of our society. We have to open up and try to help. I just odn't know how!!! It's such a big world and there are so many problems. Even finding a place to start in daunting. I want to start at the source. But how do you make people look away from the mirror and into the BIG PICTURE?

Any ideas? I don't want to sit idle anymore. Let's start a riot. Let's get noticed. Let's make a change.

Now....how?

What You Own

Mark: Don't breathe too deep
Don't think all day
Dive into work
Drive the other way
That drip of hurt
That pint of shame
Goes away, just play the game

You're living in America
At the end of the millenium
You're living in America
Leave your conscience at the tone
And when you're living in America
At the end of the millenium
You're what you own
Roger: The filmmaker cannot see
Mark: And the songwriter cannot hear
Roger: Yet I see Mimi everywhere
Mark: Angel's voice is in my ear
Roger: Just tighten those shoudlers
Mark: Just clench your jaw 'til you frown
Both: Just don't let go, or you may drown
You're living in America
At the end of the millenium
You're living in America
Where it's like the twilight zone
And when you're living in America
At the end of the millenium
You're what you own

So I own not a notion
I escape and ape
Content
I don't own emotion
I RENT!

Mark: What was it about that night?
Roger: What was it about that night?
Both: Connection, in an isolating age
Mark: For once the shadows gave way to light
Roger: For once the shadows gave way to light
Both: For once I didn't disengage!
Roger: Mimi, I hear you
Mark: Angel, I see you
Roger: I hear it, I hear it, I hear it my song!
Mark: I see it my film!
Alexi, Mark
Roger: One song glory
Mark: Call me a hypocrite, I need to finish my own film,
Roger: Mimi your eyes!
Mark: I quit!

Both: Dying in America
At the end of the millenium
We're dying in America
To come into our own
And when you're dying in America
At the end of the millenium
You're not alone
I'm not alone
I'm not alone!
~What You Own; RENT, by Jonathan Larson

Hellloooooo

Yeah, I don't really have anything to say...hmm...I'm not as freaked aobut my grades as I should be. Good or bad? I seem to be happier than a lot of my friends, but what if they all get into great colleges and I don't? My grades aren't bad...I won't be stuck at WVU. I'd cry. Then run away to...anywhere not here. I love academic team...and theatre...and Mark...nothing new here.

Endings, Beginnings, Decisions, and so much more

I'm in such a bad mood. I feel so depressed. Why? Oh, a multitude of reasons but I don't want to whine. Okay, yes I do. No pressure to read this. Seriously, I'm going to be horrible and I don't want people to know. So why am I doing this? I don't know.

I spent the day yesterday two different ways. For a few hours, I was with people who don't care what others think. We played board games and just joked around. Tried to write a song, but it failed. Lizz said Mark didn't take his eyes off me. Well so what. Mom said that there's pretty much no hope for that because we all act so much like middle schoolers that romance isn't likely to happen for awhile. Well great. I've always thought it was great that my friends were more at ease playing board games than having sex behind a football field. I've always thought of us as mature. I guess we are...in some ways. I hate being called a middle schooler, true as it might be. I desperately want something to happen wiht Mark because, against my better judgement, I've managed to fall in love with him. Fabulous. I really can pick them.

So, after all my friends left, Saige called and said she was having a movie hang out night and wanted me to come. I shoudl have known better. Really I should have. I haven't spent time with Saige and her other friends recently, but the last movie night I went to was along the same lines. Druggy movies. I don't know if these poeple honestly like these movies, or if they just pretend. I don't know what would be worse. I noticed that at Saige's, I just sat in the corner and didn't talk. I was talking to my Mom about this later, and she said that maybe Saige's group wasn't for me. But I really do love SAige. We were best friends last year. Then Aileen moved here, and I left for Viet Nam. And when I came back, Larkin moved back as well. And then I lost Saige. But...I still really like her. I noticed that even last night. We have so much in common. We could be such grat friends and it hurts that she would just drop me. We never hang out anymore. I miss her so much. But then when we do get to hang out, I don't have as much fun as I do with others. I don't know what to do. I guess Saige and I will just have to be friends from afar. But I really do miss her...

And to top it all off, RENT comes off Broadway June 1. That was one of the constants. Food in the kitchen, Earth rotating, and RENT at the Nederlander on Broadway. RENT has changed my life. No day but today. That little phrase has helped me do so many things I would normally have been scared to do. I know a lot of people don't get RENT the way I do, but it's so special to me. It's such a beautifully simple message.

Not to bring Mark into this any more than he is, but this line from one of his songs keeps running through my head;
"Stars will die and the universe will end
But have no fear it's in endings we begin"

I feel a lot of endings coming closer and closer. And I don't like it. I jsut have to look out for the beginnings I guess.

Later...

Right.

You know how some things just feel completely and utterly...right? Like a guitar feel right across my lap, and my feet feel right on the stage? Like, you take a deep breath, and exhale, and smile because this is the way it should be?

Well, last night was like that. Nick, Caroline, Mark and I just sitting around talking. Something so random and all the more beautiful for its randomness. If we'd tried to plan that, it would have been too late at night, or someone would have had plans, or...anything. But everything fell into place perfectly. So right. I was so comfortable, relaxed, happy...right. I don't sing in front of people. Ever. I"m embarassed of my voice, afraid to sound awful. But with these people I hold so close to my heart, I am unafraid to let my voice be heard. When the guitars came out, I was apprehensive at first. Then we started playing, writing, singing...and it was wonderful. When Mark said that, for the first time in a week he felt really relaxed, I inwardly marveled. I realized it was true for me and possibly for the others. We have so much stress in our lives. Yet, the power of being together with a task as random as creating a song was enough to bring us all peace of mind for awhile. I feel so lucky to be surrounded by people who make me feel so safe and calm. I am so honored to be the friend of such amazing people. You guys make school and life in general worth it :) Thanks. I love you all.

"You just don't realize how desirable you are."

Good GOD. My sanity is in terrible danger.

And You Say that the Battle is Over

This song, refreshingly, is not by Adam Pascal. In fact, it was written (words and music) by John Denver, a favorite artist of my mom's.

"And you say that the battle is over
Finally the war is all done
Go tell it to those with the wond in their nose
Who run from the sound of the gun
And write it on the sides of the great whaling ships,
Or on ice flows where conscience is tossed, with the wild in their eyes
It is they who must die, and it's we who must measure the loss

And you say that the battle is over
Finally the world is at peace
You mean no one is dying and mothers don't weep
Or it's not in the papers at least
There are those who would live on the dark side of life
There are those who would tear down the sun, though most men are ruthless,
Some will still weep, when the gifts we were given are gone

Now blame can not fall on the heads of a few
It's become such a part of the race
It's eternally tragic, that which is magic,
Be killed at the end of the glorious chase
From young seals to great whales from water to wood
They will fall just like weeds in the wind, with fur coats and perfumes
And trophies on walls, what a hell of a race to call men

And you say that the battle is over
Finally the war is all done
Go tell it to those with the wond in their nose
Who run from the sound of the gun
And write it on the sides of the grea whaling ships
Or on ice flows where conscience is tossed, with the wild in their eyes
It is they who must die, and it's we who must measure the loss

With the wild in their eyes, it is they who must die
And it's we who will measure the loss."

The chord progression for that song is easy. I love playing it and singing it. The lyrics are great. :)