I'm in such a bad mood. I feel so depressed. Why? Oh, a multitude of reasons but I don't want to whine. Okay, yes I do. No pressure to read this. Seriously, I'm going to be horrible and I don't want people to know. So why am I doing this? I don't know.
I spent the day yesterday two different ways. For a few hours, I was with people who don't care what others think. We played board games and just joked around. Tried to write a song, but it failed. Lizz said Mark didn't take his eyes off me. Well so what. Mom said that there's pretty much no hope for that because we all act so much like middle schoolers that romance isn't likely to happen for awhile. Well great. I've always thought it was great that my friends were more at ease playing board games than having sex behind a football field. I've always thought of us as mature. I guess we are...in some ways. I hate being called a middle schooler, true as it might be. I desperately want something to happen wiht Mark because, against my better judgement, I've managed to fall in love with him. Fabulous. I really can pick them.
So, after all my friends left, Saige called and said she was having a movie hang out night and wanted me to come. I shoudl have known better. Really I should have. I haven't spent time with Saige and her other friends recently, but the last movie night I went to was along the same lines. Druggy movies. I don't know if these poeple honestly like these movies, or if they just pretend. I don't know what would be worse. I noticed that at Saige's, I just sat in the corner and didn't talk. I was talking to my Mom about this later, and she said that maybe Saige's group wasn't for me. But I really do love SAige. We were best friends last year. Then Aileen moved here, and I left for Viet Nam. And when I came back, Larkin moved back as well. And then I lost Saige. But...I still really like her. I noticed that even last night. We have so much in common. We could be such grat friends and it hurts that she would just drop me. We never hang out anymore. I miss her so much. But then when we do get to hang out, I don't have as much fun as I do with others. I don't know what to do. I guess Saige and I will just have to be friends from afar. But I really do miss her...
And to top it all off, RENT comes off Broadway June 1. That was one of the constants. Food in the kitchen, Earth rotating, and RENT at the Nederlander on Broadway. RENT has changed my life. No day but today. That little phrase has helped me do so many things I would normally have been scared to do. I know a lot of people don't get RENT the way I do, but it's so special to me. It's such a beautifully simple message.
Not to bring Mark into this any more than he is, but this line from one of his songs keeps running through my head;
"Stars will die and the universe will end
But have no fear it's in endings we begin"
I feel a lot of endings coming closer and closer. And I don't like it. I jsut have to look out for the beginnings I guess.
Later...
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Aww don't ever worry about "whining;" you hardly ever do [I mean, I don't think I have ever heard you do it], and sometimes we just have to do those things. =P You should've brought this up at some point; we easily could have talked about it.
As for all of the first bunch, oh yeah, they can be immature. Good grief. But yeah, I'd also say it's better than doing what a lot of kids our age do. >> If I see one more pregnant cashier at Food Lion, I might move out of America. And as for Mark... I really don't know. He's the kind of person I've never really been able to fully understand. Usually, I can figure people out, but he's just beyond me. I'm pretty sure he's intimidated by committment, but he'd never admit it. We women tend to fall for guys like that; for some reason we find them appealing. -_-U I, too, think that he likes you, but like I said, he's not the best with relationships. ;] Just to let you know, acting hard to get can help. ah hahaha...... But that can be really difficult.... especially when you really like someone. So don't bother with that too much if you don't want to.
Ah, and as for Saige and the rest of them, unfortunately that kind of thing happens. I used to be best friends with Claire; we were with each other every weekend, and it was like we'd never drift apart. But now, I never see her, probably because we don't have any classes together, but also just because she started hanging out with people of whom I don't really approve, and so I didn't really want to be there. =\ It was pretty sucky. And it still kind of is. But I really treasure all of the amazing times I spent with her. =] She's still like my sister in my mind. And I'll always be there for her, and I know that if I actually called people [ah haha....] she'd be there for me, too.
It's like that song I was talking about last night, by Baz Luhrman. "Everybody's Free... To Wear Sunscreen." Best song in existence. It applies to basically every aspect of life that might be worrying a person. And it really cheers me up. =]
So anyway, I kind of butchered the lyrics last night, but it goes like:
"Ladies and Gentlemen
Of the class of ’99:
Wear Sunscreen.
If I could offer you only one tip for the future,
Sunscreen would be it.
The long term benefits of sunscreen have been proved by scientists,
Whereas the rest of my advice
Has no basis more reliable than my own meandering experience…
I will dispense this advice now.
Enjoy the power and beauty of your youth;
Oh, never mind.
You will not understand the power and beauty of your youth until they have faded.
But trust me, in 20 years you’ll look back at photos of yourself
And recall in a way you can’t grasp now how much possibility lay before you,
And how fabulous you really looked….
You’re not as fat as you imagine.
Don’t worry about the future;
Or worry, but know that worrying is as effective as trying to solve an algebra equation by chewing bubblegum.
The real troubles in your life are apt to be things that never crossed your worried mind;
The kind that blindside you at 4pm on some idle Tuesday.
Do one thing everyday that scares you.
Sing.
Don’t be reckless with other people’s hearts
And don’t put up with people who are reckless with yours.
Floss.
Don’t waste your time on jealousy.
Sometimes you’re ahead,
Sometimes you’re behind…
The race is long,
And in the end, it’s only with yourself.
Remember the compliments you receive, forget the insults;
If you succeed in doing this, tell me how.
Keep your old love letters,
Throw away your old bank statements.
Stretch.
Don’t feel guilty if you don’t know what you want to do with your life…
The most interesting people I know didn’t know at 22 what they wanted to do with their lives.
Some of the most interesting 40 year olds I know still don’t.
Get plenty of calcium.
Be kind to your knees; you’ll miss them when they’re gone.
Maybe you’ll marry;
Maybe you won’t;
Maybe you’ll have children;
Maybe you won’t;
Maybe you’ll divorce at 40;
Maybe you’ll dance the funky chicken on your 75th wedding anniversary…
What ever you do, don’t congratulate yourself too much,
Or berate yourself either.
Your choices are half chance,
And so are everybody else’s.
Enjoy your body,
Use it every way you can…
Don’t be afraid of it,
Or what other people think of it;
It’s the greatest instrument you’ll ever own.
Dance.
Even if you have nowhere to do it but in your own living room.
Read the directions, even if you don’t follow them.
Do not read beauty magazines, they will only make you feel ugly.
Get to know your parents;
You never know when they’ll be gone for good.
Be nice to your siblings;
They are the best link to your past
And the people most likely to stick with you in the future.
Understand that friends come and go,
But for the precious few who should hold on.
Work hard to bridge the gaps in geography and lifestyle
Because the older you get,
The more you need the people you knew when you were young.
Live in New York City once, but leave before it makes you hard.
Live in Northern California once, but leave before it makes you soft.
Travel.
Accept certain inalienable truths.
Prices will rise,
Politicians will philander,
You too will get old.
And when you do,
You’ll fantasize that when you were young,
Prices were reasonable,
Politicians were noble,
And children respected their elders.
Respect your elders.
Don’t expect anyone else to support you.
Maybe you have a trust fund,
Maybe you have a wealthy spouse;
But you never know when either one might run out.
Don’t mess too much with your hair,
Or by the time you're 40,
It will look 85.
Be careful whose advice you buy,
But be patient with those who supply it.
Advice is a form of nostalgia;
Dispensing it is
A way of fishing the past from the disposal,
Wiping it off,
Painting over the ugly parts,
And recycling it for more than it’s worth.
But trust me on the sunscreen..."
[*and remember, I'll always be one of those friends who'll hold on. <3]
As for RENT, it does basically the same thing for me as this song. I know at least part of how you feel about it; it always inspires me when I think about it, and I try to live like there's no day but today. Ha one of these days I'm gonna show up at your house with a license and a ton of money, and we're going to just go. :] I don't know when, and I don't know how... but..... it'll happen. x]
I love you, Hillary.
You're wonderful, and don't you forget it!... <3 <3
...ever. <3
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