Home

Being home is a blessing and a curse, to quote the old cliche. I get the sure feeling of being loved, of having my presence in a room mean something more than just the filling of a chair. I get to feel, physically touch and feel my friends who I miss so much it hurts and makes me unable to eat or sleep when I'm at school. I get to drive my car, be in my house, sleep in my own bed, be near my mom. I can shut my eyes, let my breath out and feel myself sink beneath the pool of memories that are everywhere I look. I am this place, and it is who I am and where I fit.

But with all this comfort comes the sure knowledge that it doesn't, won't, can't last. Soon I will have to leave again and go back to the place where I have no true friends and no incredible memories. It is this impending loss that keeps me up at night. I keep myself awake, don't let myself fall into sleep because I want to have as much time here as I possibly can. I can feel the shadow of the pain that is coming. Maybe it would be easier to not come home, but I couldn't ever do that. My friends make me whole. They remind me that when words come out of my mouth they are worth listening to, and that hugging me is something that is absolutely crucial to they happiness. With them, I can say any silly ridiculous thing I want and they will accept it as me. I don't have to be continually proving myself to people who barely know me.

We sat at Zach's house last night and we weren't even talking about anything at all, but we made each other laugh so hard. We were helplessly bent over the table, unable to breathe or speak past the laughter. I hadn't laughed that hard in months. With my friends I can say anything and they will love me anyway. They will. It's not something I have to worry about. But I do worry. When I'm away, they are bad at staying in touch. I don't blame them, but it hurts. It wouldn't be so bad if I wasn't so lonely, but not hearing from them and not talking to anyone at school makes me wonder on my worst nights if I am even right about my friends at home. But they do care about me. They prove that every time we are together.

But the point is that as much as I love being home, I know the love and happiness I feel will translate itself into tears and bitter emptiness when I return to school. I can't sleep.