So I was unpacking and assembling our diminutive Christmas tree, when it hit me.
I'm sad every year on Christmas. But it's worse this year. This is the year I've been most in touch with the fact that my beloved Dad is dead. And will be for the rest of my life.
As I wrap the tree in lights (start at the bottom, white ones only, jsut like Dadddy) I try to keep the feelings at bay. This has to be done, adn I'm too much of a perfectionist to let anyone else set the tree up (just like Dad). I hold it together through the fake pinecones (Mom's addition, Dad might have approved).
But when it comes to the box of ornaments, I have to stop. There are three different kinds of ornaments in that box. There are the ones that are left from when we were a whole family, there are the ones from Christmas after the divorce, and there are the new ones. I can't decide what's worse; the new ones, painfully empty of memories, or the old ones, painfully full.
What it comes down to is this; keep Christmas the way it used to be and feel the pain renewed each year, or start soemthing new and deal with numbness...a lack of memories...
I don't know...
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1 comment:
Oh, darling, I'm not going to pretend to know how you feel.
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I can't imagine. I mean, just thinking about losing my dad makes me sob... if it was to ever actually happen... I don't know what I'd do.
I don't know what it's like to lose a parent... but I know what it's like to lose someone you care about greatly. So, I don't know if the same kind of thing applies, but I found that, no matter how much it hurts, it can be really nice to remember. The good memories can cheer you up. And your dad would want you to be happy. <3 You deserve to be happy, pretty girl.
You're one of the strongest people I know. And one of the sweetest and most caring. Or most sweet and caringest. <3
And ps I'll never forget you, either.
If you ever want to talk about anything like this, I'm here for you. I'll try to be as much of a help as I can. <3 <3
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