Dreaming

Recently I've had two very similar dreams. They were both about my dad, but he was dead. I was addressing him as though he was visiting for a brief time, but as though he had missed a lot.

In the first dream, I took him driving with me. I told him (and this is absolutely true) that I think a lot about all of the things he will never get to see me do, and one of the bigger things was that he will never have to deal with the pride/terror involved in teaching a teenage daughter how to drive. So I took him for a drive
(nevermind that in the dream I was a TERRIBLE driver, like, seriously, I almost took out someone in a toll booth).

The next dream was a tour of Brandeis. I showed him all my places, all the things that I do. Then we were laying down and I put my head on his chest (as I did so often as a baby and a child). I was about to tell him about Robbie, but we were interrupted by something inconsequential that involved a debate between the theatre clubs and BTV (no doubt my subconscious warring about whether I want to be a cliquey stage actor or a friendly film actor).

I woke up thinking..."Damn I wish that was real."

Well, why wasn't it? Just because it took place within the realm of my dreams, does that mean that it's fake? That out there, in some realm of existence, some ethereal form of my father isn't interested in my life, in what I do, where I go, who I am becoming?Is it truly just an image my subconscious dredged up to humor my wandering thoughts and reminiscences?

Or have I, in some sense, been visited by my father twice this week?

Now that I think of it, I have had dreams of my father before. Dreams where he is dead, but I question the legitimacy of his presence. In past dreams, I have been hung up on the fact that everyone thought he was dead, so how could he be before me? I think my acceptance of the current situation in these most recent dreams shows a kind of maturation. I have finally accepted the fact that my father is dead, never coming back.

But still watching over me. Do the dead ever truly leave us?

My father in life would never have left me to live without him for 7 years. Even during his most prolonged absences, there were cards. I think these are his cards. His way of telling me that, although he is not here to hug me, to tell me that he loves me and my brother more than anything else in the world, that he is still here.

Daddy, I love you. And I will miss you forever, but I can get used to these dreams if it means you are still with me.