Time passes...

How is it that a month and a half later I still hurt when I see your name on Facebook? Something in me is still so fragile that it flinches away from and contact with you. I know that this pain is the worst pain I have had to endure in my life. That being said, has this made me stronger? That I can't tell. From here, it just looks like I am more afraid. I don't want to feel any more pain, no matter how insignificant it may be. I feel like the tiniest hurt could push me over the edge. Past the point of no return, to a place where I would never be able to love or trust again. I trusted you as a friend before I trusted you as one I liked. I don't want to call you a lover.It implies something more than what actually happened. All that happened was that you broke me. One night. One hour actually. And weeks later I still feel the ripples. The hurt. In some ways it has intensified, in other ways I am able to breathe again. But I am glad to be away from you for now. When I told him that I felt like you had scratched me from head to toe, that was a bad metaphor. It's more like you shoved a knife between my ribs. The knife is still there and every time I move it shifts and rips something else. Maybe this time at home will remove the knife altogether. Because once the knife is gone, I can begin to heal. The deep wound inside me can begin to scab over, and maybe some of me can be regained. Now I just want to be protected. Held, sheltered from the pain of the world. Chasing him only provides a distraction, and not even much of one. He and I have been in the same place for so long. Whereas you, you are something new and different. That I have never encountered before. The hurt gains new life from unexpected aggravations.

I should sleep. But all the pain gets worse at night. Maybe I will write my paper...might as well try to be productive. Yes, I can beat you. Take this extension to my day and use it to my advantage, rather than just seeing it as additional time to wallow.